Episode 209 - No Reaper Left Behind

[reallymzungu]

As a nondescript phone slowly slides past a box of non-product-placement cereal, we hear Sam calculating Alan’s arrival time in Vatican City. He takes into account immigration and the cab ride time and then appears shocked when the phone doesn’t ring on cue. Sam has obviously never been to Rome. You’ve got to leave two hours just to figure out how to cross the streets of that city without being squashed like a bug.

Needless to say, the phone doesn’t ring. Its silence is of little concern to Sock and Ben, who continue eating their cereal in supreme slacker fashion. Sam realizes that he can’t just stare at the phone all day and leaves to get ready to work.

This necessitates entering what must be the single cleanest twenty-something-guy bathroom ever. Seriously, everything in its place, a shiny counter, towels neatly folded on the rack... Does the Devil provide maid service? Sam hurriedly adds a t-shirt to his ensemble of skin and boxers, when he is suddenly whisked away to a store fitting room. In an interesting fashion choice, the t-shirt has become a turtleneck. Sam appears shocked by this development, looking around in confusion. Safe to say this guy has never seen the inside of a fitting room before.

The Devil now rips aside the curtain, a pair of slacks in hand. Sam is informed that the Devil is stealing his look (which is probably a reference to one of those fashion reality shows that I don’t watch). Sam, as usual, is less than thrilled with this. The Devil, however, explains that Sam is expected to “rise to the heights of political power” on Earth and that his clothing choices would reflect both Sam’s parentage and styling. You’ve got to wonder about the Devil on this one though – I just don’t see my great world leaders “rocking a turtleneck.”

Sam soon has two bags full of fine clothing choices (are they ALL turtlenecks?). He and the Devil leave the store, at which point the Devil lets Sam know that he gets a soul-nabbing break. Instead, Sam gets to go to school (but doesn’t that make him sleepy?). The Devil provides his protégé with a somewhat awesome business card for the teacher, adding graphic designers to the list of professions in the employ of the Dark Lord.

Outside of the store, the Devil continues to surprise Sam, this time with a motorcycle. The biggest motorcycle this world has ever seen. With a big red bow. (Side note: do vibrating thighs actually indicate “pure aggression?”) Sam, quick as usual, asks what the catch is. The Devil looks slightly fake-shocked and insists that there is no catch. Only a “softening of the blow.” That grounded flight in Vegas? It worked. The Devil got Alan back in Hell before Carrot-Top performed. Honestly, if Alan was going to see Carrot-Top, the Devil might have done him a favor by sending him to Hell first. The Devil is pleased with this outcome, while Sam is less pleased, and totally leaves the Devil hanging. Sam storms off, fortunately remembering to drop his shopping bags. It really lessens the impact of your departure when you take the gifts with you. The Devil, alas, does not get to continue the parade of spectacular gifts. He got Sam a pony!!! Who says the Devil isn’t a great dad?

And the nametag explodes.

Sam returns home to find a hungover-looking Andi drooping with a cup of coffee. Sock and Ben had to “exercise” and asked her to come watch Sam’s phone in their place. Exercise, for Sock and Ben, consists of slapping each other with badminton rackets and giggling like schoolgirls. This does explain Sock, but how does one get Ben’s muscles via this activity? Sam tells Andi that the Devil got Alan, and Andi expresses her sympathy (which rouses her only slightly from hangover mode). Sam doesn’t want sympathy and proceeds to actually get angry. This unusual emotion confuses Andi, as does Sam’s new porn-star look. The pair head into Sam’s bedroom, with Sam emoting and stripping (oh yeah...) en route. Sam’s new spirit of rebellion is, unfortunately, cut short by his closet, now stuffed full of nothing but porn star as far as the eye can see. Andi, displaying the self-control that probably caused Sam to fall for her in the first place, suppresses a giggle.

In the dark and empty Work Bench, Ben does some floor cleaning thing while singing “I Will Survive.” Probably off his mom’s mix tape. Suddenly, a large box crashes down from above! Apparently, the standard method of demon attack consists of hurling large objects from the tops of Work Bench shelves. For this attack, the demon is Nina, acting out the fantasies of every dumped girl in history. After a brief attempt to defend Work Bench merchandise, Ben takes off at a run. His attempts to lock Nina out of the loading dock fail, because, well, she’s a kick-ass demon. His attempts to talk her out of enraged violence also fail, because, well, he’s an ass ex-boyfriend. To Nina’s credit, she elects to just push him off the edge of the loading dock. She still loves him!

Sam arrives at the large and gaudy home of his new tutor. A female, British voice reluctantly buzzes Sam through, and our hero heads to a mildly-creepy classroom. Sally enters in a flurry of Mary Poppins-like business demeanor and asks Sam to call her “Teacher.” Which he never does. She proceeds to quiz the lad on his knowledge of evil, which can be gauged by one’s knowledge of Latin, the Bible, the Antichrist (no one’s mentioned that to you yet, Sam?), and a 0-10 ranking of blood lust. Sam doesn’t quite perform to Sally’s standards, causing Sally to turn away in disgust. Sam isn’t so upset, informing Sally that he doesn’t want to learn world-ending, just Devil-ending. Sam’s rage does really rise a bit here, actually above his standard level of resigned irritation. Sally gives it a 7. And, like all females on this show, finds Sam’s vaguely evil-ish behavior totally hot.

Sally walks Sam back to the gate, while Sam takes the opportunity to ask Sally about her life, quickly segueing to the “you must be lonely” comment. Sally indicates that the Devil probably likes it that way. Despite his reluctance to learn anything and her reluctance to teach anything, Sam asks to come back the next day. Low-level mutual checking-out ensues as the next day’s meeting is agreed upon.

Back at the Work Bench, Ben is spilling his relationship woes to Sock and that random, older Work Bench employee. He’s worried about dying or something and wants to buy a gun. Oh Ben, that would just make her even more angry! Sock and the creepy old guy try to ease Ben’s fears, saying that Nina’s just playing a game and should be ignored. Well, Sock advises ignoring. The old guy (who is creepy enough to weird out even Sock) tries to sell Ben a gun.

Sam approaches Andi to get afternoons off for his “lessons.” He awkwardly tells Andi that he met a girl and then asks Andi’s permission to seduce Sally for information. Yet again, Andi valiantly suppresses amusement verging on hysterical laughter. Sam is somewhat confused that Andi is less-than-threatened by his proposed tryst. Andi then has to inform Sam that his seduction skills leave a little to be desired. He rocks at erosion, however. Give Sam seven years, and he’ll know all of Sally’s secrets! Andi does take pity on Sam and hands over a bouquet of flowers to help speed things along. Sam reiterates that this is all about war against the Devil, which Andi recognizes. As Sam heads off into battle, Andi actually looks kind of uncomfortable and sad. Awww...

[reallymzungu]

After the commercial, Sock and Sam open their front door to Bizarro Sock making a delivery from Bargain Bench. It seems that Zombie Dad has gotten bored out in the garage and is compensating for his lack of a life by going online. Does this somehow imply that I’m living my life like the undead? Hey, it’s King Charlie!

Sometime that night, Ben and Sock are driving home, fry-less, from a fast food establishment. An alarming bump indicates the arrival of Nina to their roof. Despite Nina’s creation of some seriously unsafe driving conditions (generally it is frowned upon to drive without a windshield, whether or not there is a demon on the hood of your car), Sock and Ben attempt to ignore Nina so that she’ll go away. They even resort to listening to Cher on the mix tape. This honestly doesn’t strike me as a better alternative to the vengeful demon, but whatever works for you guys! After a few tail lashings and ominous growls, Nina takes off.

Sam’s working the next day, doing something or other with cash register paper rolls, when he is abruptly popped into what appears to be Williams-Sonoma. The Devil compliments Sam’s clothing “choice” and starts asking about Sally. The Devil, having ascertained that Sally’s contempt indicates appropriate interest, presents Sam with a vegetable steamer guaranteed to win her heart. It’s not stalking when the Devil goes through your trash, after all. The Devil and Sam have a heart-to-heart about woman problems, after which the Devil appoints Sam his Cyrano. Because that ended well. The Devil sends Sam out with the steamer, the of-course-stolen merchandise resulting in Sam’s need to make a quick getaway. And a new corkscrew for the Devil.

At her mansion, Sally is doing something or other with some white things that were human teeth in the original script but could be any sort of bone in this edit. Sam arrives with the vegetable steamer, which does indeed seem to be the thing Sally wants most in the world. Sam claims the gift is from him, thus beginning the most painful seduction in the history of television. It’s kind of impressive how creepy and awkward Sam can make simple compliments about a skirt and hair. Sally, because she is not a complete moron, recognizes that Sam is hitting on her and manages to make Sam even more awkward than before. Which is scary. Although it’s nice to know that Sam has such high regard for female pilots and gymnasts. Sally then blows off Sam as having a schoolboy crush. Sam, awfully determined for once, presses on with the “seduction,” eventually landing a date with the lady. She MUST be lonely. They agree to keep the affair from the Devil, in order to avoid an unpleasant bisection of Sam.

[reallymzungu]

Commercials and a PSA carry us into... Product placement! As Sam stacks non-generic fire logs outside of the Work Bench, the Devil appears to find out how Sally liked the gift. Sam lies (badly), bringing glee to the Devil. Who then writes his number on Sam’s hand so that Sally will call him up.

Inside, Andi is engaging in her managerial work of keeping Ted and the random old guy from killing each other in Gardening. What is the purpose of this guy anyway? It’s not like we haven’t already figured out that absolutely everyone employed by the Work Bench is a freak... Anyway. Andi’s meeting is interrupted by the arrival of Sam. It would seem that Andi is making excuses to check up on Sam now, asking him how the Devil-war is going. Of course, she wants to know about the seduction and is more than a little freaked when she finds out that Sam can in fact seduce when he tries (and when the woman in question is bored and desperate for company). Both Andi and Sam look incredibly cute in their discomfort and sadness about the whole situation. Andi admits that she’s jealous of the situation, which mostly confuses Sam. Andi stops short of taking up Sam on the offer of canceling the date, saying she knows he has to do it. The ridiculously sweet couple (they really are adorable dancing around each other) have their moment broken up by creepy guy putting Ted in a headlock. Andi heads back into the fray, while Sam looks perplexed.

Somewhere else in the Work Bench, Sock and Ben are doing some sort of retail thing and complaining about the online presence of Zombie Dad. Nina shows up, refreshingly without horns and fangs, and asks to talk to Ben. Sock shoos Ben into the back room, where Ben proceeds to pull off a remarkable imitation of a pet store puppy. Sock informs Nina that she is to go away and will not be talking to Ben at all. Nina, awesome as always, apologizes (kind of) to Sock for her vengeful behavior and points out that no heads are on pointy sticks. Sock manages to keep Nina and Ben from talking, but not before Nina gets kind of totally scary and threatening when asking if Sock is standing in her way. She leaves. But it is so not over.

In the meantime, Sam and Sally are on their date, enjoying a restaurant far, far above Sam’s means. And talking about the Devil. Sam tries desperately to get Sally drunk, in her mind to bring about sex, in his mind to bring about secrets. After an awkward (of course) kiss, Sam admits to his unrelenting adoration of Andi. Sally takes this in stride and proceeds with the full-on seduction, advising him to “love the one you’re with” (the lyrics to which only the Devil knows). This is the Devil’s cue to break up the evening, sending Sally storming out the door in a fury of angry yelling and sticking Sam to his chair while a full bottle of wine slowly decants onto those porn star pants.

[reallymzungu]

Late that night, Sock heads to the fridge, only to find Nina in the kitchen. Her hair miraculously and abruptly straightened, Nina proposes a chat with Sock. Sock prefers to have her take out the garbage. His not-so-clever strategy fails when Nina immediately shows up in his bedroom for that talk. Nina informs Sock that she needs to see Ben and will do “anything” to get Sock out of the way. The demonic lady immediately strips down to lacy underwear and hops into bed. Sock resists the temptation, which Nina attributes to his weird closeness to Ben. It is kind of weird, when you think about it. Yet beautiful. Since she can’t seduce him, Nina resorts to plan B, ripping out Sock’s heart while he watches. And Sock wakes up in his bed, yet again the victim of a freaky demon sex dream.

The next day in the Work Bench, Sock is readying his revenge and collecting parts for a homemade flamethrower. You know, I’ve obviously been wasting my life. Years and years of schooling, and I have no idea of how to make a flamethrower. Should’ve just gotten a job at a box store. Anyway. Sam’s remark that Sock’s behavior might be a slight overreaction is, as usual, ignored. But Sam is far more concerned about Andi’s absence from work.

Sam heads out to his car, trying to get Andi on the phone, only to find the Devil in the passenger seat. The Devil is in “fake morose reflection” mode and transports the car to Sally’s palatial estate (which is weirdly far sunnier than the Work Bench parking lot). The Devil hands over a vessel for Sally’s capture, indicating that this capture is a matter of honor for him. Sam opens the vessel box only to find a pistol, which kind of freaks him out.

[reallymzungu]

After we are enticed to buy things, we return to the show, where Sam has entered Nina’s bone-cutting work room. They “need to talk,” which Sally takes to mean a talk about their failed date. Sam quickly corrects her and pulls out the vessel. Sally just looks vaguely disappointed in the situation and points out that they could have had sex. And still could, probably if Sam drops the gun. Sam counter-proposes that they tell the Devil the truth about the situation, thus getting Sally off the hook. The foolish boy even lets it slip that the vegetable steamer was the Devil’s gift. Sam won’t tell the truth without a catch, however – he wants the Devil’s secrets. Poor Sam is surprised when Sally refuses to give those secrets up. Turns out that she doesn’t just hate the Devil, she love-hates him. And the Prince of Darkness’ lengthy pursuit of Sally kind of gets her off.

Suddenly Sally’s fingernails morph into a set of talon things. She leaps at Sam, who misfires the pistol-vessel (of course). Sally escapes to another room, with Sam in inept pursuit. He misses her perched above the door frame and only wins the fight by knocking down his teacher with a blackboard. Sam pins Sally and points the vessel at her. But before Sam can either blackmail Sally into helping him or else send her to Hell, the sound of Bruce Lee on the attack comes from outside. To the strains of triumphant music, the Devil leaps through the window and levitates Sam away from his capture. After bouncing Sam off a couple of walls, the Devil helps up Sally and proceeds to flirt. Despite Sally’s protestations, the Dark Lord of Asses proposes a trip upstairs. Who knew? Vegetable steamers really are the way to a woman’s heart.

[reallymzungu]

After a final commercial break, we arrive at Nina’s lair, where Sock and Ben are proceeding with their arson-is-a-good-way-to-deal-with-a-break-up plan. Ben is a little hesitant to commit a felony against a demon from Hell, but Sock keeps up the encouragement. Nina, curly again, is somewhat disappointed to find the boys and their flaming toys in her home. Her sad, sad story about villagers with flaming torches touches Ben (but not Sock, who is irritated at the lack of recognition for his flamethrower), who admits that he doesn’t see her as a monster and wants to get back together. Ben is officially kind of a wimp. But that probably works when you’re dating a demon. Sock grudgingly gives his permission for the relationship, and the boys hug. This naturally ignites the lair, starting a massive fire that’s actually pretty impressive.

Sam is meanwhile dealing with his crappy life by hanging out in the garage with Zombie Dad and his internet world. Dad is understandably depressed, having only a virtual life (even with King Charlie to keep him company), and asks if Sam would send him to Hell. Sam is initially horrified but is convinced by Zombie Dad’s insistence that he can help Sam (and himself, of course) in Hell. And Zombie Dad asks to be Sam’s father again. Which is pretty touching, really.

Back at the Work Bench loading dock, Sam digs out that old Nerf gun. Sock presents Zombie Dad with Ted’s cell phone as a going-away gift, while Dad and Ben discuss how to break the news to King Charlie. Sam keeps his distance, looking borderline heartbroken. Zombie Dad tries to reassure Sam about the plan, but eventually they both just say they love each other and hug. Sam aims the Nerf gun at Brave Zombie Dad, and with a look that will probably break my heart if I think about it too much, pulls the trigger. Are comedies supposed to be this touching?

The next day, Sam is sitting in the garage, holding tight to King Charlie. Andi shows up to offer company and support, and the pair (without King Charlie) pack up the computer equipment for return. Sam assures Andi that nothing happened between him and Sally. Despite her comment that it’s none of her business, Andi looks kind of ecstatic about the news. The moment upon them, Sam and Andi do their edge-closer-to-each-other thing. Then Sam’s phone starts to boing. Sam says it’s a text message and checks it out. The message is from Zombie Dad, who has made it to Hell. He’s dehydrated but ready to get things done. Now I just have to say, that is one seriously impressive cell-phone provider. Service from Hell? Do you think that roaming charges would apply?