Quotes From Season 1

[cko]

Seems like we could use this, a source for quotes from the different episodes. If you want to add or correct any, add a post at the bottom and I'll edit. It was fun reading these! Enjoy.

If you want to search for a particular keyword, Blue reminds me that you can use the "Find" feature on your browser.

[cko]

1. Pilot
Sam: Stay away from her. I swear to God...
Devil: Swear to who? I don’t play in the kiddie pool.

Sam: Wait. So, they’re not all little vacuums?
Gladys: The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron.

Sock: Hey, no shame in community college, K-Fed. I almost went.

Sam: Ted says I’m on notice.
Sock: So what? I live on notice.

Devil: This will help. A vessel. Handcrafted in the bowels of Perdition, by the iniquitous and the vile. (Sam looks blank) Oh, I forgot, you got 600 on the SATs, didn’t you?

Sam: Where were you?
Sock: Gift shop. (holds up magic marker) Ben would want eyebrows. Ben would want eyebrows, and he would want us to give them to him.

Andi: You were so cute together. You guys should've never broken up.
Sock: Actually, I had to, Andi, um, because I found out that she used to be a dude.
Josie: I heard that you used to be too.

Sock: Dude, seriously, stop looking at my junk.

Devil: Oh, gag, look at that tool. Capture him already.

Devil: Umm. Chicken-fried steak. I’m so glad I don’t have arteries.

Devil: Did you like that in there? That thing with the air conditioner? You're like a hero now. My gift to you.

Sam: Is this a carjacking where you carjack me?
Devil: For this? If it was an Escalade, maybe.
Sam: You can have the car.
Devil: I don't want the car.
Sam: You can have the car, I just...
Devil: Sam, I'm not a carjacker. I'm the devil.

Sam: My parents sold my soul to the Devil.
Sock: How drunk are you?
Sam: Totally sober.
Sock: How drunk am I?

Sam: We're gonna get killed.
Sock: Why?
Sam: This thing still doesn't work.
Sock: We're gonna get some batteries for it.
Sam: No, it doesn't use batteries, it uses...
Both: Recharger!

Sock: (after Sam defeats the fireman) Oh, I have never been so attracted to a man in my life... that's not what I meant.

Devil: Word of caution. I don't accept failure. Ever.
(leaves Sam staring at the bloody ice under the Zamboni)

Kyle: Hey, the zombie is up before noon.
Sam: Hey, you're an idiot.
Mr. Oliver: Kyle, don't you want to wish your brother a happy birthday?
Kyle: This guy is 21, lives with his parents, wears an apron for living. There's no happy in that birthday, Dad.

Sam: Wait a minute, so people can break out of Hell?
Devil: Yeah. That's a problem we've been having lately, what with overcrowding and so forth. Honestly, we were underprepared for the influx. I blame myself. But that's not your problem. All you have to do is track down fugitives and haul their asses over to a portal to Hell. Easy.
Sam: What do you mean by portal?
Devil: Well, any place that seems like Hell on Earth, is Hell on Earth, you know? The DMV on Union Street? Yeah, drop off a fugitive, renew your license. I'm all about the perks.
Sam: Oh, my God.
Devil: Hey, kiddo, it's okay. I've seen how this all ends. Don't worry, God wins.

Sam: Do I have to go to Hell now?
Devil: Now? No, no, no, not now. You're gonna work for me now in the Earthly Realm.
Sam: You mean, like, kill people?
Devil: Wow. You're a real pessimist. Of course you won't be murdering anyone. You're just going to bring escaped souls back to Hell. You know, like a bounty hunter. That's cool, right?

Mr. Oliver: Big birthday plans, boys?
Sam: Nothing too crazy.
Mr. Oliver: Come on, Sam, you got to go out there and cut loose. You're only this age once, come on.
Sock: I like your thinking, Dad, I say we all get in the car, go get some smack, and kill a hooker in Vegas... (Mom leaves room looking distressed) Ah, I mean, I mean patronize a hooker in Vegas... I would never kill a hooker in Vegas, I would never kill a hooker...

Sock: (to Sam) Yes! You are Neo, You're the One.

Sock: You Bruce Bannered that thing, man.

2. Charged
Sock: Just let me open the box.
Sam: No, you can't open the box. It's at my house.
Sock: What, are you kidding me? It's right there.
Sam: I can't believe it. It's stalking me!

Sock: Morning, Linda Blair.
Sam: Hi…larious.
Sock: Can you do that?
Sam: What?
Sock: Can you turn your head all the way around?
Sam: Sock, I’m not possessed.
Sock: Yeah, okay.
Sam: My parents sold my soul to the Devil and I’m a bounty hunter for Hell. Totally different.
Sock: Have you even tried to turn your head all the way around?
Sam: Yeah, it totally doesn’t work.

Sam: I’m good at stuff, okay. Other stuff. Right?
Sock: Yeah, you do rock the house at Guitar Hero.
Sam: That’s what I’m talking about

Sock: Hey, where’s the truck going?
Sam: Delaware.
Sock: I approve, good.
Ben: You’re an idiot, Sam. And the Devil’s going to kill you when he finds out.
Sam: Well, I hope he won’t find out.
Ben: Well, isn’t he all-knowing and everything?
Sam: Ben, can you find Delaware on a map?
Ben: Well, you make an excellent point.

Ted: You have broken the most cardinal rule here at the Bench. A bloodied customer is not a happy customer.
Sam: Ted, it was an accident. I’m really really sorry.
Ted: The question is, what is the appropriate punishment?
Sock: Well, if you wanted to be really mean, you could make us work here, wear ugly blue aprons day and night, that would suck.

Sam: What’s with Jessica Alba?
Sock: She thinks she’s too good for me.

Devil: Isn’t Nature magnificent? Beautiful, angry, soothing, merciless. It’s perfection, don’t you think? Gotta give… whatshisface credit.

Sam: Yeah, you know, I’ve been thinking about that. I don’t think I’m the guy who should be taking on the forces of evil.
Devil: No?
Sam: I know you own my soul and all, but I think the world would be better off if I worked for you in a lesser capacity.
Devil: Such as?
Sam: Well…I haven’t come up with the full plan or anything. Maybe I could get the word out, you know, be a recruiter. I could start my own Satanic web site, with…evil design and have..really cool devil graphics or something.
Devil: Business is booming, Sam, I don’t need any help with recruiting.

Ben: Well, did the Devil give you instructions, a manual, anything?
Sam: No, the Devil just pretty much sets me up for failure.
Ben: Yeah, well he is the Devil.

Sock: You need a doctor. Dr. Jager, Dr. Cuervo, Dr. Captain Morgan--he has two titles.

Sock: You are a very very hostile young lady, do you know that? Can I have your number?

Devil: You know, Sam, you’re a lucky man. You’re home during the day, all the wonderful daytime television to watch. When does Ellen come on?

Andi: You know what, Ted? You caught me. I stole the eight bucks.
Ted: I see.
Andi: Yep. I was saving to buy you a girlfriend. I assume you’re okay with the plastic variety.

Sock: Oh, that is quite the bag o’batteries you’ve got there, Josie. Feeling lonely these days?
Josie: We’re having blackouts, jackass. They’re for my flashlight. And if I was lonely for you, I’d just get a pencil.
Sock: Oh that’s what they all say, sweetheart. Wait, wait, wait…

Devil: Look at that badass.
Sam: What are you talking about?
Devil: You man, you. The way you faced off with that soul. “Are we gonna do this hard, or easy?” Ooh, I got chills. Seriously.

Sam: My soul gets sold to the Devil, I get 42 miles to the gallon.

Ben: We’re going to die dressed as condoms.
Sock: That’s the truth.

Gladys: The fact that you two haven’t been killed yet astonishes me.
Sam: Well, thanks, Gladys.

Devil: C’mon, Sammy, turn that frown upside down.

REFERENCES
Sock: Abso-smurf-ly. [Reference to cartoon The Smurfs, who spoke a language with random words and syllables replaced with "smurf."]

Sock: Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAY! We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need The Edge! [Reference to Monster-Truck commercials.]

3. All Mine
Ted: I see a spark of the old me in you, Sam.
Sam: Please don't tell me that.

Sam: You stole mail?
Sock: Yeah.
Ben: Sock, that’s a felony.
Sock: Well, come on now, there’s a fine line between committing a felony and doing something really cool.
Ben: That’s true.

Sock: The password is “Grumpy.”
Sam: I don’t want to know.
Sock: The cat that we had, you sicko. (pause) No, I’m kidding, it’s totally a name for my junk.

Sock: No, I am grown up, Josie. I can drink, and I can vote.
Josie: When the hell have you ever voted?
Sock: Unimportant.

Sock: I’m, umm, umm Bert Wysocki, but everyone just calls me “Sock.” I think it’s because I fit like a glove, you know?

Josie: You are leaching off your mom, and you are actually defending it.
Sock: She's a mom, Josie, she likes it. It's awesome for her.

Sock: What do we do?
Sam: I don't know. I left the vessel at the Bench.
Sock: What?
Sam: We were getting food. I didn't think we'd need it.
Ben: That's not exactly management thinking, is it, Sam?

Sam: Give me the vessel.
Devil: No, no, no, no. I do not like this tone at all. What's the problem?
Sam: Ted wants to promote me to assistant manager of the plumbing department.
Devil: Promotion? Well, congratulations! Make sure you get the 401(k).
Sam: No, no, don't congratulate me. He's saying that I'm going to spend the rest of my life here at the Work Bench.
Devil: You know, I don't get you, Sammy. You don't want to work here at this place, you don't want to work for me. What exactly do you want?
Sam: Just something that doesn't suck.
Devil: Well, one of these days, maybe you'll come up with a little better plan than that, huh?

Ben: I want a salad.
Sock: Uh, no. Sorry, I'm not going to order you a salad. That's a chick order.
Ben: I want a salad.
Sock: You're not getting a salad.
Ben: We always do this.
Sock: Do what? Do what?
Ben: Do this.
Sock: What? You always order a salad? I don't know. You're getting the chicken midgets!
Ben: Fine.
Sock: And a side salad, okay? You can have a side salad.
Ben: Thank you. Appreciate it.

Sam: Sock, bees are not nesting in your crotch.

Ben: Everything seems normal. No weird bug fetishes, no Satanic magazine subscriptions.

Sock: Die toaster die!

[cko]

4. Magic
Ben: Winston--you're one freaky ass bird, who scared the crap out of me, and now I can't be comfortable around birds ever again. I hope you know that.

Ben: Come on, Winston. Come to daddy. We have to go, now.
Sock: (holding a wrench) I'll bring him down.
Ben: I will cut you where you stand.

Sam: What is wrong with you?
Ben: My dad is super alergic... You know... I couldn't have any pets so this little guy fills that void.
Sock: You said I filled that void, Ben.

(As they enter the theater to see the magician's act)
Sock: So all I have to do is snap a little eyeliner and I'll get to shower with Cameron Diaz!
Ben: Or probably not!
Sock: It's her loss.

Devil: Forget about the contract.
Sam: No, no. I wanna see it.
Devil: But why?
Sam: Because I wanna know my rights.
Devil: Oh, that's easy. You don't have any.

(sprayed with cold water)
Sock: Not the crotch! Not the crotch!

Sock: New devil box arrived in the middle of the back room. Scared the crap out of Ben.
Sam: What about me? I just thought I got stabbed. You know how scary that is?
Sock: All right, come on, hop on. Come on, piggyback. It’ll cheer you up. Come on! Come on!
Sam: No, I’m good.
Sock: Yeah, you’re a little big for that now, aren’t you? Just so you know, I would have piggybacked you right back there.

Sock: I’m too disgruntled, all right. I mean, give me a break, no talking at work. I mean, what’s next, take away the air I breathe? Take away the beer that I’m about to drink on my break?

Sam: We are not machines, we are not robots.
Sock: Be cooler if we were robots.
Sam: Yeah.
Sock: You know who I’d be if I were a robot?
Sam: Who?
Sock: The hot chick from Terminator 3. First I would tear this building down brick by brick, then I would go home, lock myself in the bedroom, and stare at my boobs for as long as I wanted.
Sam: Yeah.
Sock: Which would be a long time.

Customer: How much for the flat screen?
Sock: A million dollars. Try Best Buy.

Ted: What, are you talking to yourself, Sam? That is a sad, sad state of affairs, my friend. Because no one answers. Ever. (long pause) Ever.

Ben: Nobody’s hurting Winston.
Sam: Who’s Winston?
Ben: The bird.
Sam: You… named the vessel?
Sock: Dude, Winston is not a bird’s name, Ben.
Ben: Okay, well you tell me what a bird’s name is.
Sock: I don’t know, uh, how about Flappy? Or Paul?

Ben: You know, I’ve never seen a dead body up close before. It’s messed up.
Sock: I know, right? I mean, you’d think that seeing Scarface all those times, I’d be better prepared for that, but…

Driver: Go to Hell, jerk!
Devil: I’ll meet you there, Bruce. You know that little thing on his neck? Not a freckle.

Ted: You know what, Sam? I’m not really in the habit of checking other men out. Unlike some people I know.
Sock: Huh? Sorry. I was so busy checking out your ass, I missed your funny joke.

Sock: Hi, Gladys. You look umm today.
Gladys: Place the vessel on the mat.
Sock: Whoa, it’s gonna be kind of difficult with all that sexual tension pushing back.

(Sam has a vision that a customer stabs him with a torch. Sam screams, and Sock comes running)
Sam: You see that guy?
Sock: Yeah?
Sam: I just had this really weird vision that he stabbed me.
Sock: I just ate this really weird cupcake, so I guess we're even.

Devil: Sam, life’s too short to drink domestic.

Devil: Minions. You know who works for me in my central office? White-collar criminals. They hate me, they hate their jobs. I’m lucky if I get coffee in the morning.

Sam: You sound like Ted.
Devil: Wow, that’s harsh. Ted’s a real douchebag.

Sam: You put the contract for my soul with my third-grade report card and Mr. Huggles?

Devil: You know, Sam, sarcasm is the lowest form of social discourse.

Sock: That, my friend, was some fine hell sucking.

Devil: I never drink when I work. It clouds the mind.
Sam: Maybe if you drank, you’d be less of a dick.

The Devil: Filing system in the Abyss is shabby, as you might expect, but I’ll put in a request.

5. What About Blob
Sock: All right, let's talk consistency here. We're talking about a dude made from slime. What is it, snot-like? Spit? Household slime? What?

Sam: So, uh, what did I miss last night?
Sock: Oh dude, the bar was awesome. We had a great time.
Sam: Yeah?
Sock: Yeah.
Sam: What happened?
Sock: Uh, nothing happened. It was super boring. It sucked.
Sam: You just said it was awesome.
Sock: Yeah, I chose my words poorly, Sam.

Sam: What is Ted doing?
Andi: I put a note on his windshield. It says: "Sorry, I hit your car."
Sam: You hit Ted's car?
Andi: No.
Sam: Who did?
Andi: No one.

Sock: All right, listen to me. I'm not advocating violence here, but if you need to, uh…take care of Greg, I know some people.
Sam: Yeah? I know the Devil. I think that trumps your people.

Sam: (to demon delivery guy) Here’s an idea, come with. The girls are getting really wasted, they’d be all over a guy in uniform. I can help you out, be your wingman. Not… not to suggest that you need any help. You’re a very attractive demon. I’m… I’m not hitting on you, I just… I’m gonna shut up now, I’m gonna sign, that’s what I’m going to do.

Ben: Oh wow, did the Devil give you that or my grandmother?
Sock: Yeah, maybe you wear that and the soul laughs itself back to Hell.

Sam: Trade? Dad, I don’t think you have anything to trade.
Mr. Oliver: I have skills, Sam. All the years in advertising, I can use those skills.
Sam: I don’t… I just don’t think you have anything the Devil needs.
Mr. Oliver: I’ve created cartoon mascots to sell cigarettes to kids, Sam. To kids. Tell the Devil that.
Sam: That’s a good point.

Sock: You ever dumpster dive?
Ben: Of course. Remember that shirt I got you for your birthday?
Sock: That’s a fine grab.

Devil: He’s been dating other women. Plural. Twins, to be exact.
Sam: What?
Devil: Ha. Dirty girls. Slutty. Oh, this player even makes me jealous.

Sam: Yeah, well, I was being stupid.
Devil: Man to man? You always get a little stupid around that girl, Sam.

6. Leon
Sam: Sock, we almost got killed.
Sock: Whatever, we've almost been killed way worse than that.

Sock: Look, I think I'm gonna hide it in Ted's private bathroom so he thinks the toilet's talking to him. What do you think?
Sam: No, we are not doing that.
Leon: I'll do that.

Sam: Sock, stop messing with the vessel.
Sock: Sh, sh! Okay, do it!
Leon: Uh... what do you want me to say?
Sock: It talks!

Leon: I want you guys to know. I've worked very hard on my psychological health, so what I'm about to do is very difficult for me. It's really going to hurt my heart. There's no freaking way I'm going back to Hell.

Sam: Wow, I’m not usually a morning person but I kind of like knocking a soul off first thing.

Ted: You’re not going to be the pumpkin, Sock.
Sock: Racist.

The Devil: Holidays always depress me.
Sam: Holidays? What? Halloween? I thought you’d love this time of year.
The Devil: I detest it with every fiber of my being. Back when it was the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, now that… that was a holiday. Dead rising from their graves, damaging crops, causing trouble. Good times.
Sam: But now you hate it.
The Devil: It’s the commercialization of evil. The one day when not a soul on Earth fears me, or even believes in me. I become a party gag. A plastic mask.
Sam: It’s only one day out of the year.
The Devil: Are you trying to make me feel better, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I guess I am.

Leon: Tell me about your childhood.
Sam: My parents sold my soul to the Devil.
Leon: So, oohh, well… that’s some abandonment and betrayal. And I’m gonna guess there was a lot of bedwetting.

Sock: “The Butcher”? That’s a pretty good name. Yeah, if I was a serial killer I’d want my name to be something more effective, like Murder Man or Killbot.

Leon: So, Ted hears my voice coming out of the toilet, and he says, “God is that you.” And I said, “Yes, Ted, this is God, and I’ve got Abraham Lincoln with me, and we both think you’re an enormous douche bag.” And then he started crying, going, “Ooh, ooh, Honest Abe, please forgive me.”

Devil: (seeing Sam naked) Oh, please with the modesty. I’m like a doctor, Sam. It all looks like raw meat to me.

Devil: Sam, if I can impart to you one piece of knowledge, just one kernel of truth that I’ve gleaned over the entirety of my existence, it would be this. Betrayal is the defining trait of humanity. Your friends will always let you down. The girl will always leave.
Sam: That’s not true.
Devil: Yes it is. And your so-called friends have proven my point. You know, you’re not angry at Leon. You're just upset because you’re realizing the weakness of your species. The most untrustworthy, unreliable creatures on this Earth. (pause) Except for bears.

Devil: You know, in a way, I’m the most trustworthy person you know. And that’s just sad.

Sock: I’m really glad you didn’t get eaten by the dog monster.
Sam: I’m really glad you didn’t get eaten too.

Leon: I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t really want to blow your face off.
Sock: No problem. I did really want to break your wrist though. Still might.

Devil: Sam, I invented therapy. Okay? So that the wicked could justify their actions.
Sam: I’m starting to be able to figure out when you’re lying as well.

[cko]

7. Love Bullets and Blacktop
Sock: Suck on that, Sugarlips!

Sock: God, do we have to talk to Russ? Guy gives me the skeeves.
Sam: Yes. Yes, we do. But remember, we are all business. You show any signs of friendship to Russ and it's like feeding a raccoon. We'll never get rid of him.
Sock: Ah, you hear that, Ben?
Ben: Oh, wh...
Sock: No, listen to me. None of this, my name's Ben. I like everybody. Let's be blood brothers, okay? I do not want to hang out with this guy. He's extra-strength douche.

Holly: Tell me how to set Kit free, or I will torch this whole place, and there will only be one of us getting out of here alive.
Sock: Which one of us?

Sam: I couldn't figure out why you kept throwing Taylor in my path. It's not because you really care about me.
The Devil: Hey! Untrue.
Sam: It's because you're tempting me...again! You just want me to be more like you. But I'm not! I don't believe there's no such thing as love, and you know what? I don't believe that you believe that.
The Devil: Wow. You know, celibacy really makes you insightful.
Sam: Come on. You've been around since the dawn of time. Are you telling me you've never been in love?
The Devil: Well, personally, I've always found lust to be quite satisfying.
Sam: (scoffs) Yeah. You would. (leaves)

Ben: Damn. We look good.
Sock: I’m thinking of touching myself.
Sam: Not in my car, please.

Devil: I was able to obtain some information one of her many, many, many erogenous zones. Just stroke her earlobe, and she’ll do anything. Anything.
Sam: There is something really wrong with you.
Devil: What? Encouraging a young man to succumb to his primal and perfectly natural instincts. Sharing the fact that Taylor’s in her experimental phase? Is that bad?

Sam: A church? Isn’t this a little too close for comfort?
Devil: Nah, me and the Big Guy have an understanding. I stay out of his house, he lets me play with his toys.

Devil: Love? There’s no such thing. I’m talking real passion, lust.
Sam: You don’t think love is real?
Devil: The French invited love so they could put a civilized face on a primal urge. Dress it up with candy and hearts and cubic zirocnia. In the end it all comes down to endorphins and genitalia.

Sock: You are a man of discriminating tastes. I can tell by the four buttons unbuttoned on your shirt.

Holly: Do you like to get crazy? Do you like to play with danger?
Sam: I… dabble.

The Devil: I am sorry, Sammy. I never should have pushed that whole Taylor thing on you. (pause) I had no idea you were a homosexual. "We should just slow it down a little?" (chuckles) You hear that? That's the sound of every man in the world laughing at you.

8. The Cop
Greg: We do nothing. Totally blow her off and then I have the surprise party the day after.
Sam: That's completely stupid. So she's all alone on her birthday? Just do what she wants to do. Just go to a movie and get a beer. She'll like that.
Greg: Did you just call me stupid?
Sam: No, no. I called your idea stupid. I'm trying to help you.
Greg: Did I ask for your help?
Sam: Yes!

Sam: Accepting gifts from the Devil is suicide.

Gladys: Hi, Sock.
Sock: Hmm? Hi. Yep.
Gladys: Had any good dreams lately?
Sock: You did that? On purpose?
Gladys: Was it good for you?

Sock: Did you miss me?
Sam: More than you'll ever know, sweetheart.

Sam: Sock, Sock, don’t do something stupid.
Sock: Sam, I am almost certainly going to do something stupid. It’s in my blood. You know that.

Sock: Coupons? El Diablo not forkin’ out the big bucks, huh?
Gladys: Just ring me up so I never have to come back here.

Sam: There’s no way you’re being this nice to me.
Devil: Hey, I’m not Ted. What a dick.

Greg: What happened to your hair?
Sam: Uh, nothing.
Greg: Oh, so that’s on purpose.

Sock: So, did he get all foamy at the mouth and twitchy when you zapped him?
Sam: Not really.
Sock: Too bad. You probably did it wrong.

Ben: We have until then to commit yet another felony.
Sock: Kinda gets you pumped, right?
Ben: Yes it does.

Sock: Why would a demon be into angel figurines? It’s like a cat banging a dog.

Devil: Come on, go all Barry Bonds on my ass.

Devil: Well, you know, I’ve got to say--it was very classy of you not to go for the crotch.

Ben: What’s this?
Sock: A book.
Ben: Umm, Sock, reading gives you a migraine.

Sock: All right, we gotta go to my house so I can pick up one of my sports coats.
Sam: Uh, you don’t own a sports coat.
Sock: We gotta go to your dad’s house so I can pick up one of his sports coats.

Devil: Ooh, you know what I could go for? Bloomin’ onion. You in?

9. Ashes to Ashes
Sock: We caught your ashes's ass man, we've caught your ass, yeah!
Sam: Can you not taunt the soul, let's just get to the center and find the vessel.

Sock: (referring to Andi) You need to ask her out again, and again, and again. All right? You need to be persistent, like the ocean. Little waves of Sam crashing on the shores of Andi until she gradually wears down.
Sam: Or she gets a restraining order.

Devil: I need you to go handle some plumbing.
Sam: What, so now I’m your handy man? That’s not part of the deal.
Devil: Actually it is. I own you, Sam. If I ask you to take out the garbage in Hell, that’s what you’ll do.

Sock: You know, if I was the Dark Lord, I would do the exact same thing. I’d have a mistress in every continent on the planet.
Sam: He probably does.
Sock: He probably does, doesn’t he?
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Sock: God he’s living the dream. I want to be the Prince of Darkness. No, uh, no, what’s below Prince?
Ben: Uh, Duke.
Sock: Duke. I want to be the Duke of Darkness. Maybe could you talk to him for me, set up a little internship, or…?
Sam: No.

Andi: You guy must have done something enormously horrendous to get food court duty.
Sock: Oh, yeah. Some idiot posted a picture and profile of Ted on a bi-curious website. He totally blamed us.
Andi: Huh. You do it?
Ben: Of course.
Andi: Nice.

Sock: She’s acting like a dude. You know, anything gets too emotional or too hard, you just ignore it, right? Eventually it’ll go away. Which makes Andi even more perfect, if that’s possible. (Sam glares) Except for the part where she ripped your heart out and stomped on it. That was rude and lame.

Sock: I get it, I know what you’re doing. You’re acting like a chick.
Sam: Shut… shut up!
Sock: Oh, no, I will not shut up. You are acting like a chick and she is acting like a dude. That is so sad, Sam. I don’t know whether to hug you or kill you out of mercy.

Sam: Why do you have to do that?
Devil: Well, it’s kind of in my nature. You know, “Supreme Spirit of Evil” and all that?
Sam: Yeah, kind of like your nature to be an “a” hole.
Devil: Oh, that’s beneath you, Sam. You know names hurt.

Devil: (at funeral) I enjoy spending time at these… ceremonies.
Sam: Right.
Devil: Yes, people start asking questions. “Why would God do this?” “Is there even a God?” I like to be here and try and provide some answers.

Sock: Oh man, the Devil and I have the exact same taste in women. Is she really flexible, too?

Ben: Excuse me, but I’m not ashamed of my family in any way, okay? They’re not the ones that embarrass me.
Sock: And what are you embarrassed by, Ben, huh? Oh my god, can you believe I pulled that out of my head?
Sam: Wait a second. Are you ashamed of Sock?
Ben: Half right.

Sock: No, no, nothing is impossible. Illegal, yeah, stupid, most definitely, but not impossible.

Devil: I made no promises. My conscience is clear.
Sam: You don’t have a conscience.
Devil: Oh yeah, that’s right, what a break.

Sock: We got presents! Look. Bought your grandmother a book. It’s in Spanish.
Ben: It’s French.
Sock: What? Oh. Well, you know, it’s never too late to learn a new language.

Sam: I think you really cared about her.
Devil: Want to see how much I cared about her? (snaps fingers) She’s dead.
Sam: What?
Devil: That’s right. With the snap of my fingers, Mimi just got hit by a bus. Gruesome. Can’t tell her from the pavement. And that’s on you, buddy.
Sam: You sick son of a…
Devil: Oh, calm down, hero. I’m screwing with you. Mimi’s fine. (chuckles)

Sock: This Satan’s trying to get you to hook you up with his daughter, you know, I bet she wants your man seed.
Sam: What? No.
Sock: Yeah, sure, think about it. You knock her up, right, the Devil has a little Sam baby running around catching souls for him when he grows up. After, you know, you kick. (Sam glares) Which I hope will not be for a very long time.

Ben: The Devil has a child. You know, I never thought the Devil had genitals.
Sock: What, like a Ken doll?

[cko]

10. Cash Out
Sock: (to Sam) Whatever, I stopped listening to you about a year ago.

Sam: How did you find me?
Sock: We followed you, Sam. Ben drove here with his headlights off the entire time.
Ben: It was very stressful.

Sock: We know what you’re up to, Sam. We saw you with Beelzebabe.

Cady: You want a drink? It's on me.
Sock: Okay. Yes. I will... drink... on you.

Andi: So what's wrong with her?
Ben: She's a huge fan of Lionel Ritchie.
Sock: Isn't that messed up?
Andi: Oh yeah.
Ben: All Night Long.
Sock: We think she's the spawn of Satan.
Andi: Later. (leaves)

Sock: We need proof.
Ben: Yeah, he doesn't want to babysit your kids with horns.
Sock: No.
Sam: Yeah, well you're not going to have to worry about that, because I would never let you babysit my kids.
Sock: Smart.

Sam: Hell is like the worst run business ever.

Sam: Gladys wouldn't take the vessel.
Devil: That's because the vessel was only half-full. Or half-empty if you're Catholic.

Sam: Oh my God.
Devil: Hey. Easy on the “G” word, buddy. It’s rude.

Sock: Do you remember a few years back, when there was a fire at Josie's apartment?
Sam: Yeah, right before you guys broke up.
Sock: Do you remember it was around the time I was exploring my feminine side.
Sam: No.
Sock: Well, mostly I was into jasmine-scent candles.
Sam: Did you burn down Josie's apartment?
Sock: It's a dark part of my life, Sam. I'm not proud of it!

Sam: Are you trying to get back together with Josie?
Sock: What? I... I am trying to make amends, Sam, okay? And if she chooses to thank me in a naked or partially naked way, well that's okay too. I'll take it.

Cady: Great hot tub, Sock.
Sock: Yeah, I know. Hottubbing is a passion of mine.
Sam: But why is it in your front yard?
Sock: Hmmm? Why would I put something this awesome in my backyard?
Sam: Privacy?
Sock: Privacy is for idiots.

Sam: I thought Forester deserved the money. I did the right thing.
Devil: You know, you sounded just like Jimmy Stewart for a second. I have chills.

Sam: So that's what 6 million dollars looks like, huh?
Sock: Yeah. I was gonna get naked and roll around in it, but I didn't shower today. I didn't want to get the money dirty.
Ben: Thank you for that.

Sock: For you I will, because you remind me of Mr. Sulu, who I love....a lot.

Sock: Maverick, Ice Man, Goose.

11.Hungry for Fame
Ben: I thought you said that jurisdictional-thing always worked.
Sock: Why do you always have to point out my flaws, Ben?

Sock: Will you listen to this guy? Wahhh, I've got two chicks fighting over me, what am I going to do, why am I so loveable. Shut up. Enjoy it, Sam, at least try to flip it into a three-way, that's what I'd do.

Ben: Hey this guy Ryan's pretty lame. "This CD Is for all of the dream who dream of the rock-n-roll dream, so dream on."
Sock: I've got to side with the Devil on this one: some people belong in Hell.

Sock: Would somebody get me a six-pack? That's what my mom would have done.

Sock: Sometimes if you love somebody enough, you got to let them hit rock bottom.

Andi: Hey, do you know where Sock is? I need him to fake a seizure.
Sam: That is an unusual request.

Devil: I don't know. There's something about the sea air. You know?
Sam: Yeah.
Devil: Maybe it's because all of life came from the sea. It's primordial, clean, fresh, and almost entirely covers up the stench of that decomposing corpse down there.

Devil: If I'm hearing you correctly, you're basically calling me a morally bankrupt, evil being.
Sam: Yes, more or less.
Devil: Then this makes perfect sense. (shoves him off a pier)

Sam: Next time I buy a present for a girl, I need you to punch me in the junk. Hard.
Sock: That's the only way I punch.
Sam: Not now!

Devil: We're talkin' about rock-n-roll, man.. The Devil's music. Comin' down the crossroads. Sell your soul for rock-and-roll, baby.

Devil: And you know moms. They love talkin' about their kids.
Sam: Even when their kid's a people eater.
Devil: Well, it's just more to talk about.

Devil: (to Sam) You're utterly unthreatening. When you say "Devil" it sounds kind of cute.

Sock: Oh sweet muscular Mary!

Sam: You said you wouldn't be mad!
Devil: No, this isn't me mad, Sam. This is me disappointed. You should see me when I'm mad. It's really something.

12. Unseen
Sam: You should hear the way she snores. Seriously, it's not normal. It's like she's a creature from the underworld.
Sock: Oh god, I love that movie, Kate Beckinsale, black spandex.
Sam: There's something wrong with her.
Sock: What?! Kate Beckinsale is perfection, what's wrong with you?

Sock: (to Sam) Okay, I didn't wanna play this card. I really didn't but leave me no choice. The fact of the mat is you owe me. I've been there since the beginning, helping you to send escaped souls back to Hell, man. I've been the freaking Robin to your Batman.
Ben: What does that make me?
Sock: You're the weird English butler-guy. This is my new Batcave. I deserve a Batcave.

Sam: Glasses?
Devil: They help you see the true face of evil. (Sam starts to put them on) Ah. You don't want to do that, Sam. Trust me, unless you brought a change of underwear.

Ben: I can't believe I'm, I'm actually climbing a tree. I feel like Spider Man!

Devil: (appearing from a closet) Finally leaving the nest, huh?
Sam: Finally coming out of the closet, huh?
Devil: Oh, a homosexual joke. Very witty.

Josie: Look who's finally becoming a man.
Sock: Well, you just made it look like so much fun.

Sam: You picked up an extra shift?
Sock: Hey, man, I've got rent to pay now.
Sam: Wow, that's really responsible of you.
Sock: I know. No, I'm messing with you. No, I got to hook up with this chick in the pool. I met her on the elevator. She's so into me.

Sock: Okay, I got another one. Supergirl or Wonder Woman.
Sam: Wonder Woman.
Ben: Definitely Wonder Woman.
Sock: There's something to be said for a woman who's into bondage, you know?

Sock: Like George C. Scott says, you got to dress brave to be brave, guys.
Ben: That was General Patton, you idiot.
Sock: Same guy.

Sock: In the words of Gandalf the Grey, "They shall not pass."
Ben: It's "You shall not pass."
Sock: Whatever, Ben, it's a movie, okay?

Sock: Oh, don't worry about it, Sammy, come on, Cady will come crawling back to you in a week when she realizes how much she misses your man muscle.

Sam: You guys think it's kind of weird we replaced our parents with a couple of awesomely gay dudes?
Sock: Weird, Sam? No. Genius.

Steve: Would you guys like to come in? I just made a pot of ginger tea.
Sock: No, no thanks, we're straight.

Steve: Sock, well that's an unusual name.
Tony: Is that the UPS guy?
Steve: It's the new neighbors.
Sock: (whispering to Sam and Ben) Is he hitting on me?

Sock: It's like living next door to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

[cko]

13. Acid Queen
Sock: Money. Money, schmoney. Come on, if I'd worried about money my whole life, where do you think I'd be?

Ben: "Something we'll regret?" What the hell does that mean?
Sock: It means we're about this close to becoming demon dinner. Hey, you guys want a Sock, Sam, and Ben Muffin? They're nutritious and delicious.

The Devil: Ah, narcissism. One of my favorite virtues.

Sock: So we're dealing with a hot soul that kills even hotter women? Is there anything wrong that I'm aroused and disgusted at the same time?
Ben: Yeah, probably, but you shouldn't wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

Steve: Okay, the homophobe thing, all right, I don't agree with but I understand. But... fallen angels, doomed to walk the Earth for eternity. That weirds you out?
Sam: It's not normal.
Steve: Biology vs. society, what's normal, Sam? You're a Reaper? I play racquetball with Gladys, she told me.

Sam: Have you guys eaten anybody?
Tony: That's offensive.
Steve: We don't have to listen to this.
Tony: That's offensive.

Sam: Say goodnight, bitch.

Sock: Hey, did the doctors x-ray you?
Andi: Yes.
Sock: Good. I have a theory about radiation. You're exposed to enough in your lifetime, you have a greater chance of getting... cooler mutant powers.
Andi: Yeah, but I don't think I really want mutant powers, Sock.

Ben: I mean, they're like our cool, fun uncles.
Sock: Benji, have you ever had a cool, fun uncle?
Ben: Uncle Hector.
Sock: Uncles are creepy by definition, okay? Have you not been watching your SVU?

Devil: Serious question for you. Are you a boob man, ass man, leg man? What's your preference?
Sam: I'm not having this conversation.
Devil: I've always been more of an ass man myself.
Sam: Would you stop it?
Devil: Come on, what's a little locker room talk between friends?
Sam: We're not friends.

Sam: Of course you swing both ways.
Devil: Hey, at least I swing, baby.

Sam: You think you could get me and the guys into this party?
Steve: Well, aren't you the little heterosexual?

Devil: Hey, good boy, Sammy. My heart's bursting with pride. Want to go to a strip club? I know one with a great free buffet.

14. Rebellion
Ben: I hope she likes peppermint.
Sock: You could have gotten her any flavor in the world you wanted to, and you gave her peppermint! Really?
Ben: Yeah, why?
Sock: Ben, everybody knows peppermint is for jerks, right?

Ben: Are you crazy? Josie's going to eat him alive!
Sock: I know, I know ... God, what I wouldn't give to be on the phone when Josie shoots down Ted-Man-Walking.

Devil: You don't like banana splits? What are you, some kind of Commie?

Devil: The guy was a lawyer, of course. We have a lot of those in Hell.

Andi: Have you ever been hit in the head with shovel?
Sam: No, I can't say I have.

Sock: (to Josie) It's really nice to see that even though I've clearly moved on, that my mark is still all over you. Like dog pee on a pretty, pretty little tree.

Sock: What kind of name is "Cubby"? Who's named Cubby?
Sam: Your name is Sock.

Devil: I treat you with respect, and you treat me like little bits of dirt.
Sam: You are so weird.

Bob: My name is Bob and I'm a demon.
Everyone: Hi, Bob!
Bob: I had a rough week. Started off great. I rode around on Monday, collecting recyclables. Then I dropped coins into expired meters. Then I tried to eat a child. I knew right away it was wrong, so I untied the kid and called my sponsor Randy.

Sam: From a bunch of demons I was expecting something more aggressive.
Steve: We do fun runs.

Tony: You guys die so quickly. You're like goldfish.

Cubby Bryce: Are you willing to wear a cast or a neck brace?
Sock: Dude, I would be willing to put on your underwear with you still in them for seven figures, tell me more.

Ted: But she did call me over to her place to night to help her hook up her DVR. And I think we all know what that means.
Sock: Yeah, that means she wants you to hook up her DVR.
Ted: No, hooking up any appliance is classic awesomely gay porn terminology for getting it on. And I'm pretty sure that that translates over to the hetero arena.

Tony: Sam is the Devil's friend.
Sam: Uh, to be clear, I'm not friends with him. He's just kinda clingy.

Sam: I thought you didn't believe in love?
Devil: I don't believe that humans can feel true pure love. But I know that it exists. I've experienced it myself. I'm not human, remember?
Sam: You actually loved somebody? Who? (Devil looks up) You mean God? Didn't you try to overthrow him or something.
Devil: Well, let's just say we had a little fight. I may have been a tad impetuous.
Sam: But you loved him.
Devil: With everything that I was, I loved him. And he loved all of us, too.

Devil: That is my private, and I do mean private cell phone number.
Sam: What area code is this?
Devil: Phoenix.

Sam: We have plenty of food. Do you, uh, want papaya, or a steak?

Sam: Why'd you do it?
Devil: I have enough annoyances in my day. (looks at Sam) Exhibit A.

15. Coming to Grips
Sock: Hey, so uh...did the Devil happen to mention to you what this Semen Demon's special powers are?
Sam: I don't think so.
Sock: Okay, 'cuz my head is going to some pretty awful places with this one.

Sock: Now listen to me, Ben. I'm going to spit some scientific fact at you. The longer most men are in a relationship, the happier they get. The opposite is true for the lady folk, okay? So we would just like to see you happy making a woman miserable, like we're both doing.

Devil: Oh, look at you, man. I kick a soccer ball right at your head and you're grinning like an idiot.
Sam: I'm not grinning.

Sam: I mean, what is he, a serial rapist?
Devil: Wow, you go to the dark place fast.

Sock: He is Duncan MacLeod: the Highlander.
Sam: The Highlander doesn't have a scythe.
Sock: He is Duncan MacLeod, the Highlander who now has a scythe.

(filling out fake application forms)
Sock: What college did you attend?
Sam: Harvard.
Sock: (laughs) I went to Oxford.
Sam: Yeah, but I also went to Yale Medical School
Sock: I research alternate power sources.
Sam: I have a 4-foot vertical leap.

Devil: You do know that the Creator didn't make you in His image, right? The Bible was just being nice.

Sam: What, tying her up and throwing her in the trunk was the only way?
Sock: She is very comfortable in there, okay? I threw her fresh blankies, pillows, a little bundle of…
Ben: Potpourri.
Sock: Potpourri.
Sam: Solving the problem? This isn't solving a problem, this is adding a felony on top of the problem!

(seeing Tony transform into a demon)
Sock: Oh-ho! Sweet Home Alabama!

(after Tony extends his 1' tongue)
Sock: Oh now I see why Steve loved you so much.
Tony: Oh, that's inappropriate.
Sock: That's a compliment, Tony.
Tony: I know, but it's still offensive.

(at the baby ward)
Older Woman: Which one's yours?
Jack: That one right there. And… that one. And maybe that one.

Ben: Where is the place that women have babies?
Cassidy: Aren't you a little old to just be figuring that out?
Ben: No, I… I know where women have babies. I was um referring to…where the room is, yeah.

Sam: Have you seen the baby ward?
Sock: Huh, oh, no. I thought I was following around a pregnant woman. But turns out it was just a bloated guy with a bad case of the farts.

Ben: Naked guy!
Sock: Naked guy! Naked guy! Naked! Naked guy on my back! Someone help! Doctors!

Andi: Outside the hospital, when you told me that you loved me, did you say that because you meant it, or because you didn't want me to go to the cops?
Sam: Both.

Sock: I knew that locking her in the trunk of my car would work out for the best.

Ben: She needed a green card and I felt sorry for her, okay? And look, it just happened all really quickly.
Sam: Yeah, so she's living here now?
Ben: Just for a little while, you know. Just to make it look real.
Sock: You are too stupid to exist!
Ben: Why? I like Sara. I think she's great. I think she'd make an excellent citizen, and she paid me 1,600 bucks.
Sock: You know, I take it all back, buddy. That is awesome. That is outstanding. She is beautiful! Beautiful! We got married!

(after Andi storms out of the bar)
Sock: How'd it go?
Sam: Where the Hell were you guys? I was dying over there. She didn't believe any of it.
Sock: Sorry. I had to wait for the chili cheese fries.
Ben: My wife called.

Sara: You hang on to your list, Benjamin, your Phil Collins is out there, okay?

Devil: (watching Sam get hit in the head by a soccer ball) Nice header there Becks.

[cko]

16. Greg, Schmeg
Ben: Next time I'm marrying for money, I'll charge triple.

Gladys: I'm going to Acapulco next week, and I need someone to watch over my cat.
Sock: Okay, by cat do you mean cat, or do you mean some kind of dragon?
Gladys: She's a Persian. Her name is Fancy.

Devil: (to Sam) When are you going to learn? The only person playing by the rules is you.

Sam: I've got a car.
Sock: Yeah, you have a hybrid, which is fine for saving the earth. But if you wanna make the earth move…

Ben: Was his face made up of human skin like in The Texas Chainsaw?
Andi: Ben, everybody's face is made of human skin.
Sock: That is so true.

Devil: You know what I've been thinking about lately, Sam? Trust, honesty, integrity… I don't like those words, not one little bit.

Devil: I show you this because I care… and also I kind of enjoy it.

Ben: Think about it, Sam. Women don't always tell you when you screw up. They like to give non verbal clues.
Sock: i.e., making out with another dude.

Sock: Chicks do not want sensitive, okay? They want a bad boy. They want someone who is going to break all the rules. Someone who will bang them on the back of a motorcycle and then not do the dishes.

Ted: I would like to start the staff meeting on a happy note. We have a little bit of exciting news.
Sock: You finally moved out of your mom's house.

Sara: Esteban is much more discrete and responsible. He's the catcher on the trapeze.

Sock: Oh, you know what? I'm a little relieved that Sara's bun didn't come out of my oven, if you know what I'm talking about.
Ben: How could it possibly be yours?
Sock: Well, Ben, let's just say I had a very vivid dream and leave it at that, okay?

Sam: You keep vessels in mini storage?
Gladys: This is a portal to Hell.
Sam: Really? It doesn't look that evil.
Gladys: There are 13 bodies hidden in these units alone.
Sam: Okay.

Sam: No matter what Greg does to Andi, he can't stop her loving me. I just have to remind her of that, I can't lose.
Sock: Back up. Andi loves you?
Sam: Well of course she does.
Sock: She said that?
Sam: I… not in words.
Sock: Okay, 'cause no offense, really, but I've known you for what, 14 years, and I only sort of like you. You can be pretty irritating. I'm sorry, but… see, 'cause I love these shoes. Love is a complicated emotion, Sam. Full of tingly feelings and frustration and anger.

Devil: Come with me if you want to live. Seriously, you're screwed here.

Ben: I'm not cut out to be a hit man. I saw my grandmother one time snap the neck of a chicken. I cried myself to sleep for a whole month.

Greg: Dad was right. I make one boneheaded move after another. I failed my driving test 17 times.
Ben: Hey, everybody makes mistakes.
Greg: I sent money to six Nigerian princesses and I've never met one of them.
Sam: You're… you're trusting.
Greg: I made a pass at my stepmother!
Sam, Sock, Ben: Ewww…

Greg: Look, just let it come. I'm pathetic.
Sam: No you're not. L… l… look, you have a trophy
Greg: Yeah, it's for attendance!

Ben: If you're free to date in this marriage, I am too. If you're free to get pregnant… good for you.

Sam: Pretty proud of yourself.
Devil: Heh heh. Pride is my favorite cardinal sin. You know what you have to do.
Sam: Kill Greg.
Devil: Ooh, say that again. Only this time use a Russian accent.

Sock: Was it bolted to his wrist like Ash from Evil Dead?

The Devil: Come with me if you want to live.

17. The Leak
Sock: (looking at the photograph of Mike's true self) Wow, the camera really does add ten pounds. Huh.

Sock: Garfield.
Ben: Heathcliff.
Sock: Garfield.
Ben: Heathcliff.
Sock: My God, man, are you deaf, dumb, and blind. Garfield is by far America's favorite fat cat.
Ben: It's a matter of taste. I find Heathcliff charming.
Sock: I don't understand.
Sam: Still having the great debate?
Sock: Garfield!

Devil: Sit a spell. We've only ordered apps.
Sam: Yeah, I can't. I have plans. I'm supposed to meet Andi and the guys.
Devil: Well, then isn't it nice you don't have a choice. Now sit.

Mike: Do you have any idea how hard it is to shoot a man who's crying like a little girl?
Devil: It's not that hard.

Sam: Well, if you hate him so much, why don't you just take care of him yourself?
Devil: That's not my job. Me, devil. You, minion.

Sam: Andi, I've come to accept it. Being resigned to my stupid fate makes my life easier.

Sam: My girlfriend.
Gladys: You don't look mentally defective. Do you have some sort of deformity?
Andi: You mean like horns sticking out of my head? No.
Gladys: I like her. Place the vessel on the mat.
Sam: I think you got official demon approval.
Andi: Ooh, that's going on my resume.

Ben: Naked photos in a family album, Sock?
Sock: Yeah, Ben, that's what loving couples do, okay? Josie and I have enough photos of each other's junk to fill a library. Plus, Johnny Immigration will be so shocked he'll have no choice but to believe you guys are together.
Sara: That makes some sense.
Sock: Yeah, that's why I said it.

Devil: Yeah, it took a lot of elbow grease, a lot of limbs rent from a lot of torsos. But everybody started singling like canaries. Now Hell is sealed tight as a drum. And now, if I'm not mistaken, there's a demon about pitchfork deep in Mike's ass as we speak.
Sam: Mike was just in my elevator.
Devil: Not now, Winston, not now. I'm not gonna to lie to you, Sammy. I have some serious egg on my face. You know, I'm starting to feel that maybe torture isn't the way to get what you want, you know, like maybe people just tell you what you want to hear so that you stop pulling out their fingernails.

Ben: I feel the night air on my nipples! I'm alive! (rams into a car) I can't feel my face.

Sock: I'm gonna say a prayer when we do it.
Sam: Sock, she's a demon. I don't' think she'd want prayers.
Sock: I'm gonna sing some Sabbath when we do it.
Andi: That'll be real nice, Sock.

Andi: What, you guys couldn't even wear one of your tuxedo t-shirts. I mean, I know each one of you have one.
Ben: Actually, there's just the one. We share.
Sock: It's a rotation.

Devil: I've debated Daniel Webster, and you, sir, are no Daniel Webster.

18. Cancun
Devil: I scout for the Yankees in my spare time.

Devil: That cage will never work on me. It might hold a demon, but come on... I'm the man!

Sock: This is the first and last time you will ever hear me say these words, but we shouldn't be drinking tonight.

Sam: Do you need anything? Like a cold drink, foot massage?
Sock: Oh, my God. I felt so good for a couple hours. And now I... I barely have enough energy to scratch my junk drawer. Would you mind, Sam?

(looking at a stain)
Sam: What does that look like to you?
Sock: Unicorn fighting a werewolf. It's the ultimate battle.

Sam: At least they hooked you up with that weird suit.
Ben: Yeah it was a present from an attempted murderer I met.
Sock: That's an attempted murderer suit?
Ben: Yes.
Sock: Nice. Can I try on the jacket?
Ben: Hands off.
Sock: I let you try on my homeless guy pants. Come on.
Ben: Not the same.

Devil: You know, I got to say, this is one of my greatest inventions.
Sam: You invented the lottery?
Devil: You betcha. State-sponsored gambling. Minimum wage earners spending their last buck on an 18 million to one long shot. I like to call it the idiot's tax.

Sam: Are you saying they're lying?
Devil: Listen, Sammy, they're your parents and you love them. But people who make deals with me generally aren't big on integrity. You can't get blood from a stone, I'm just saying.

Sam: She read Tarot cards?
Devil: Yeah, she was the real deal. Sold her soul to me for the power to predict the future. Earned quite a reputation for herself until the local villagers hung her from a tree for consorting with the Devil. Surprisingly perceptive for a bunch of clods with pitchforks.

Sam: You don't see Steve at all?
Sock: Look. Unicorn. Werewolf. End of discussion. Also looks like the werewolf grew a nice set of jugs.

Sock: Three dudes in a tent. Sexy.

Marlena: It's amazing how funny and full of life you are.
Sock: Yeah, I guess it is pretty amazing how full of life I am. It's coming out of every hole.

Andi: Why did God appear to Moses as a burning bush? Or why do angels appear in dreams? Maybe it's because they need to prepare you with signs, you know? Or maybe they just like messing with your head.

Andi: It's because she's hot. This is your process? I spent hours on the phone and you guys just let your crotches be your guide.
Sam: And yet, the job always gets done.

Marlena: Every time I kiss you, it sort of shaves about a year off of your life.
Sock: Uh, but that would be the ass end of my life, right? The crappy years?

Sock: I'm detecting a little skepticism.
Ben: You're on drugs.
Sock: Definitely detecting skepticism.

Sock: It's an unbelievable rush. I don't even know how to describe it. All I know is that one kiss from her and I felt better than I've ever felt in my entire life.
Ben: What does that even mean?
Sock: Okay, do you know how good you feel when you wear your bike pants?
Ben: Yeah.
Sock: Yeah, it's like that times 20.
Ben: Oh. I want a taste.

Tony: You made it. You made it to Heaven.
Steve: It's even better than Cancun.

Devil: Oh look, Sammy, I have too much respect to lie to you, so I tell you in advance that I am most probably going to lie to you. I'm the Devil, Sam, lying is kind of like my whole bag.
Sam: Yeah, well I figured as much.
Devil: Smart boy.

Sock: You know what, Sammy, I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better right now, I don't. But I do know how to blow stuff up. So I figured, play to my strengths, right?

Sam: Evidently, I'm destined to end the world. I can't let that happen.
Sock: Well, you know what? You're not really good at anything, so you'd probably screw that up, too.

Ben: You're a marked man.
Sam: So, I get it. I understand if you guys can't hang out anymore.
Sock: I am sorry, Sam. But we are not here to listen to you whine about which dark army has marked you for death. Ok? We are here right now to honor the passing of the man who may or may not have been your biological father.
Ben: Well said, Sock.
Sock: Thank you. I recommend lighting the right foot and then running like hell.

Sock: If it's any consolation, I'm probably gonna die in like three years.

[pacejunkie]

This is amazing cko. How did you do all this?

[cko]

Oh, here and there. I wanted to have good quotes all in one place. I didn't realize it would be so loooonnng. But I couldn't delete any of them! They're like old friends. And some friends that I don't remember at all.

[reapermaniac]

WOW!!!
legend quotes
i love all the effort you put in well done!
i think my favorite quote is

SAM : you guys are demons
TONY : racist

then it would be

SOCK : we need to stop off at my house so i can get one of my sports coats
SAM: you don't have a sports coat
SOCK :we need to stop off at your dads house so i can get ne of his sports coats

i LUVVVVVVVVVV reaper!!
i know my quoes aren't as good as yours, but there are my favorite which i personally love!
great thread!

[cko]

Oh, thanks! I'm glad someone is enjoying them. Keep adding your own, and we'll have plenty once season two starts!